Governance Politics

7 Ways the Uhuru – Raila Handshake has Impacted Kenya

Today it’s exactly two years since Uhuru Kenyatta and Raila Odinga decided to shake hands and eat together. We take a look at what the handshake has brought to Kenya in the last two years.

Background

First, we note that the handshake was very timely. Two years down the line, everyone is warning against handshakes and milkshakes in the age of Corona Virus. If the handshake was to happen today, the Daily Nation headline would be “Ruto warns of Corona virus as Uhuru and Raila Shake Hands.”

The timing was right.

The handshake was also celebrated by friends and foes. It seems that Uhuru was tired of achieving nothing, while Raila was taking credit for everything the government was doing wrong. That is a lot of credit considering that we run our whole budget in credit, and also that the government does everything wrong. Uhuru needed to bag this influencer for the sake of his peace of mind, and piece of the nation. He got just that.

Ruto also hoped that the handshake was a golden handshake for Baba. He was happy to see the man happily go into retirement, and he was hoping that the package that Baba received was the final dues that Kenya owed him, and that he would happily live forever in Bondo. Be the judge.

The handshake was also supposed to be the final handshake ever made. All other handshakes coming after the handshake are not only illegal, but also put you at an unnecessary risk of catching corona virus. Aisha Jumwa knows this too well.

Impact

What has been the impact of handshake? Here we list a few:

  • The people eating meat have increased while those salivating have reduced. The supply of meat has gone down, but appetites are at an all-time high.
  • The opposition is in the government while part of the government is in the opposition. You can only tell who is in and who is out depending on their relationship with the DCI.
  • Kenya’s debt has continued to grow steadily. The handshake was between Uhuru and Raila, not Kenya and China.
  • Central Kenya has realized that they cannot eat the top seat. They also need some development. It has taken them very long to learn the obvious, something that the Nubians in Nairobi learnt 67 years ago.
  • With nothing to fight, and the savior of NASA joining hands with the despots, Joshua Miguna Miguna realized that he would be better off with a stable job in Canada, than simply fighting for people who are neither aware that they need a savior nor aware that Miguna Miguna was doing it for them.
  • In the Spirit of the handshake, William Ruto acquired Nation Media Group for only 527 bob (+VAT).
  • Meanwhile, the economy that was doing bad due to risk of violence is now doing worse due to fear of doing good.

To date, Kenyans have never realized that their problem is neither Muthamaki, nor Baba, nor Doktari kutoka Sugoi, but their own ignorance in choosing mediocrity right from the chairman of cattle dip to the highest office in the land. They continue to steal from one another and hope that their leaders will not steal from them. They give poor services where they work, but still expect the government to give good service, and they care little about their country while expecting a few people to care on their behalf.

FYI, when you hear Ndindi Nyoro call it handcheque, remember that where he comes from, shake and cheque are semantically the same thing.

And by the way, is the handshake party registered?

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PostaMate is a satirical publication by PostaMate Media. Read more HERE