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Police Outline Rules of Engagement for 31st December

Something will be going down on the 31st of December, but at this point, we are not able to tell exactly what will be going down. It could be you, could be a party, could be Covid-19, could be a policeman, or even the country. The only thing that is certain is that come 31st December, people will celebrate the beginning of a new year (or getting rid of 2020) in the pubs, churches, house parties and even the streets.

There is a ‘small’ problem though; there is a 10 pm curfew in place, and there is the police to enforce the curfew. This is something that stands in the way of Kenyans and since the mother of all police battles will be inevitable, the Police have decided to issues the rules of engagement on that day. This will help ensure fair play on both the side of the police and the civilians.

Five rules to guide your interaction with police on the night of 31st:

  • You should not beat a policeman

There is a written rule that you should never beat, attempt to beat, or appear to beat a policeman. Even when situation allows, you should simply never attempt to do that and this will be the case on 31st December. If you beat a police officer, you will be shot. If you survive, you will be arrested and put in the cell, from where you will be shot again from. It is no laughing matter.

  • If you encounter the police, try to run

Police officers will be out to play on 31st December, but they are very serious about it. It is very disrespectful for one to meet a police officer and stare at them like a scarecrow. You need to run, at least for the dignity of the officer. Sometimes they are tired, or they are not in the mood. Nevertheless, you must run as if your life depends on it. Run like Eliud Kipchoge. It is fun to run.

  • The curfew means that you should be indoor by ten pm

The curfew is still on until President Uhuru Kenyatta changes his mind (an assumption that he has one). 10 pm should find you indoors. Even in your own home, you must be indoor. The police cannot comment whether being inside a car is indoor or not, but just stay indoors. There will be sufficient police brutality for those who will not be indoors.

Remember not a single police officer has ever been convicted of police brutality. Hashtags cannot scare men and women who spent several months in Kiganjo and are not on Twitter.

  • Bars must close at 9 pm, but that only applies to closing doors.

Bars must close at 9 pm as per earlier regulations. However, note this only applies to closing the doors since the officers may also need their services. Just keep the doors closed and everything will go well with you. For those bars without doors, a curtain will suffice.

  • Cells will be full, so instant police justice will be applied

For those who have been fantasizing about spending the night in the cells on 31st December, forget it. Our cells are always at 116% capacity on any normal day and adding more people will result to more work for us. Due to this, we shall administer instant justice on those we arrest. It could be a slap, a kick, a baton, a whip, a rubber bullet or even the real ones depending on what is available. This shall be considered fair play.

Exceptions

If you have the money, it is a language we understand and we will be very open for conversation. We shall be willing to have a night long conversation, only if you can afford it.

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