Governance

UHURU PLEDGES 360 NEW ‘UHURUTOWNS’

President Uhuru Kenyatta has pledged to build 360 new ideologically-friendly towns across Kenya before the eradication of COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic 2022.

Mr Kenyatta said the new towns would each hold 140,000 people and be built in every constituency in the country.

The building project would coincide with a massive, nationwide compulsory purchase and demolition programme.

Under the President’s plan, within the remaining two years or so, every citizen will be housed in an Uhurutown and be able to enjoy a wonderful range of 21st century amenities including vast libraries full of super-fast computers and books about public spending. Transport between Uhurutowns will be by UhuruWays high-speed trains & luxurious coaches.

Also provided will be 1000 free satelite television channels, free nationwide WiFi, a swimming pool named after a great Luo socialist and the Michael Radford-directed film based on George Orwell’s novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four 24-Screen Daily Showcase Cinerama, to be alternated with the film V for Vendetta.

Every Friday evening the citizens in each Uhurutown will gather in the square in front of massive screens and watch Eliud Kipchoge’s 1:59:59 race against the clock over and over again.

They will then listen to a three hour speech in which Mr Kenyatta will explain, in minute detail, the values that moulded him as a young boy in State House, and his student days in capitalist USA.

They will also be forced through his narration of his KANU days, detentions without trial dark days, his struggle for one-party state,, his ‘failed marriage’ with Mudavadi, failed presidency attempt in 2002, his ‘international crimes’ and the ‘pressure’ from Bill Kamau aka Ruto, his estranged deputy.

In order to promote national unity all the inhabitants of Kenyan Uhurutowns will speak Sheng’ in Kenglish accents, and perfect Queen’s English.

A spokesman for the Presidency said: “Although citizens will not be required to vote BBI, records will be kept and anyone failing to support the government will have their electricity, water, TV, WiFi and mobile phone cut off through their Huduma Number until they acknowledge the moral force of Mr Kenyatta’s arguments.

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