Mutahi Kagwe Reveals the Formula Used to Cook Covid-19 Stats

Kenyans can now learn the secrets of the kitchen that is used to cook Covid-19 statistics after Mutahi Kagwe revealed the formula so that Kenyans can do the cooking themselves.

After nearly 18 months of intensive cookery, potlucking and general kitchen gymnastics that are employed to keep the media well fed and Kenyans satisfied. Donors are also appeased and political goals are achieved using the results from Mutahi Kagwe’s kitchen.

“The cases are very high in Kenya and we would not want to scare the world that we are doing badly. We therefore test those who are really sick, and delay results so that the curve can appear normal. Once we do a test, the statistics are captured within a period of 3 to 28 days, depending on the state of the curve.”

Mutahi Kagwe explained that if the curve rose too fast, Kenya would be spotlighted as a Covid-19 hotspot while if it was too low, Kenya would miss out on grants, donations, and assistance from international development partners.

“We have to ensure a normal sigmoid curve for the different waves, then let it cool as we prepare our pockets for the next wave. The curve must also start rising again just before the curfew expires because the curfew must meet its political end.”

Medical experts confirmed that the Covid-19 data being released the government is highly cooked – a 5-star kitchen service. They said that there are too many cases they meet every day, including tests, yet this never make it to Mutahi Kagwe’s kitchen.

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