The Five Hate Languages

There are many ways of telling someone that you hate them, but five of them stand out. Here we go.

Blue Ticks

Ticks have never been desirable, unless if you are a tick. It doesn’t matter whether they are blue or whatever color. Nobody wants ticks.

And thus, a good way to let them know that you hate them is to serve them to anyone who reaches out to you. Always serve them in pairs; two of them. Let them know that you have seen, you have read, you have internalized the message, and you have ignored them. Blue ticks.

If they follow up with an additional message reminding you of the previous message that they had sent, then you know what to do. Blue ticks.

Ulipata? (Did you receive?)

Black tax is mandatory. They owe you their money because they have it, and you do not have it. No one should ever run away from paying black tax. Burkina Faso is already leading the way in criminalizing black tax evasion.

Once you receive your eagerly anticipated black tax, then next thing you should do is to ignore the one who sent it. You are right to ignore them because you will be busy eating the tax. You are a government in your own sight, and governments don’t like it when someone interrupts their eating. You have no time to tell the taxed that you received the money they sent.

Wait until they text you asking if you received the money. Ignore the message.

Uko na thao Mbili nikurudishie Friday?

As a normal human being, you are always in need. One of these needs is money, and as a Kenyan, there is always a certain deal that you are waiting for.

Instead of waiting to make your money then use it, why not reach out to acquaintances and internet strangers (of course you have no friends since you cut them off) and ask for a soft loan? This always works.

Tell them about your emergency situation (don’t mention terrific Tuesday) and ask for a quick loan of 2000 bob. Promise to repay by Friday.

Of course, Friday will find you poorer than you were before you got the soft loan, but do not worry. Just move on with life as if nothing happened. If your creditor calls, go ahead to receive the call and lead the conversation to discuss everything else except the small amount of money that you owe them. Do not be ashamed. Keep on talking until they run out of talk time.

After some time, the person will realize that they stand to lose more if they keep on calling you. They will leave you alone.

Time to move on to the next acquaintance.

Nitanunua End Month

All your friends have side hustles and are trying to milk money out of you. You need to make them know that while they make extra money through the side hustles, you also make extra money by not spending your money.

When you see them selling flashy goods online, respond and promise to buy a few at the end of the month. Remember not to specify which month, but just let them know you will buy at the end of the month. This way, you will give them hope that will last for a month.

At the end of the month, just give them more promises. Ask them for a different product. Ask for a crazy discount and in the unlikely event that they accept your demands, give them some blue ticks as a bonus.

The good thing is that no one knows for sure when end month starts. If they remind you on 20th, just say it is too early and in case they remind you on 25th, tell them it is too late and you can only work it out next month. Keep them hopeful.

The kind of character development you will have instilled on them will automatically earn you 20% shareholding into them.

Tuma Fare

When a friend wants to catch up with you, ask them to send you fare so that you can meet them. Never mind that you are also a grown-up person who can fund their own existence.

Demand for fare and money for imaginary expenses on the way. It is some sort of a per diem. Quote Uber prices and go ahead and walk once you have received the money. Let them pay for your pleasures while you remain non-committal because that is just who you are.

Disclaimer: This on its own may not make a statement if the other person is an idiot. You have to go ahead and eat the fare.

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