72% of the government went into a mild coma after it emerged that the man who previously could never make sense while holding a microphone might just have been pretending and saving his English for the Deputy Presidential Debate.
Following the debate where Rigathi Gachagua managed to keep speaking for 32 minutes, the government has gone full nuclear to ensure that such is not repeated, especially in the upcoming Presidential Debate.
“A government machinery has been deployed to unearth the source of the English that Rigathi Gachagua used at the debate. We have evidence that the English was fraudulently acquired, adding to our previous narrative that Gachagua has some sticky hands.”
Even the Media Council did not have kind words for Gachagua, same as the President who sent Gachagua a strange thank you note. “It has come to my attention that you won a debate against Martha Karua during the Deputy Presidential Debate, contrary to everyone’s expectation. I don’t take this kindly.”
Azimio operative Francis Atwoli did not mince his words. “First of all, he was supposed to not win the debate. Everyone knows that. The reason the debate had to be in English and not in Kikuyu was to confuse him, but he showed up with some English from Group of Schools. Can you trust such a person to be your Deputy President?”
Experienced Thief
Although Gachagua clearly stated that he is not a thief and even if he were, he would not be this petty to steal some English, the government machinery says otherwise.
“His argument that he is not a thief is not strong enough be because that is exactly the same thing that a thief would say. If the government says he stole, then know for sure that he stole. The government is all knowing.”
Government operatives are now concerned that the upcoming debate might take the same energy, giving government’s preferred candidate a hard time.
