Local Man Unlocks Dreaded Third Level of Primitive Accumulation of Tools

A local man is just about to have his financial plans short-circuited after he accidentally unlocked the dreaded third phase of primitive accumulation of tools that he will never use.

What started as a teenage hobby has turned out to be a form of economic suicide after the man was unable to quit the dreaded habit of accumulating all sorts of tools, many of which he has and will never use. Some of the tools he has no idea how they are supposed to be used.

“I started with a pen knife, then pliers, a can opener, and a hammer. 16 years later I am here trying to acquire a Magnetic Resonance Imaging Guided Linear Accelerator (MRI-LINAC) to treat a swollen finger that was crushed by my forklift. I feel like I need a boom crane to help construct a shed to store it.”

So far, 90% of the man’s net worth is tied to tools, something his family is not happy about. His wife stopped complaining about it when the man bought a house-cleaning bot. The children cannot understand, but once when the family had no money for school fees, the man disposed of one of his 2 CNC Torchmate plasma cutters, and the family had money to last for six months.

Tools Enthusiast

How does he use the tools? Mainly to fix broken stuff. When something breaks, local man will surely fix it. If it breaks down, he fixes it again. That is life. He also builds things. The family house in which his family lives was solely constructed by the man. He didn’t buy the bricks. He made them.

His neighbors know he can fix anything. “Last year there was a flood and this guy came with some weird stuff and made the water leave. I do not know what he does but I think he should continue. He is a nice guy to have around.”

While his obsession with tools is admired by all those who do not know the financial implications of his expensive hobby, some experts argue that what he is doing is not good for the survival of the human race. “Since man invented tools and started to specialize, people have been relying on each other for survival. The guy is his own welder, plumber, carpenter, and electrician, and can fix everything – including those not yet broken. He is not useful because no one is making money out of him. He needs to be stopped.

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