Raila Enlists Army of Orcs to Prop Up Mass Action Threats

Opposition Chief Raila Odinga has unveiled a plan to recruit 17,000 orcs that will help him get rid of the illegal president William Ruto from State House.

According to a plan released by ODM communication director Philip Etale on Sunday, the Orcs will help in creating a critical mass necessary for mass street demos, something that has been impossible due to circumstances beyond their control.

“Our supporters have been unable to hit the streets due to a general lack of interest and the high cost of living. Orcs will take over the noble role and we are confident of getting Ruto out of State House within 10 working years.”

Etale added that Orcs cost way much less to maintain compared to actual human supporters, and might be the preferred tool for mass action in the future.

“You don’t need to pay orcs to demonstrate. They are always available and do not demand any allowance. You can also replace them easily when they get shot by the police. Why use actual voters when orcs can do a better job at a fraction of the cost?”

Ruto’s Army of the Dead

The government responded to Raila’s threats with a counter plan that involves summoning the Dead Men of Dunharrow.

Police Spokesperson Dr Resila Onyango said that Ruto’s government will have no option but to summon the army of the dead from all over the country, including Kiambaa, and use them to deal with the Orcs should Raila make good his threats. “We will summon them to fulfill their oath and defend this government, after which we will set them free. We will allow them to live anywhere they want in this country, as long as we are able to defeat the dark lord Raila.”

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