NAIROBI, KENYA—Lamenting that his once-thriving business of tempting and tormenting humans was now in shambles, Satan announced Monday that he was unable to compete with the corrupting influence of TikTok and the Kenyan government in the African nation.
“I used to have a monopoly on luring people into sin and evil, but now I can’t even get a foothold in this market,” the Prince of Darkness said in a press conference, adding that he had lost countless customers to the addictive and immoral content of the popular video-sharing app and the rampant corruption and injustice of the Kenyan authorities. “It’s not fair. How can I match the allure of watching endless streams of dancing, lip-syncing, and pranking videos that degrade the human dignity and intellect? How can I top the wickedness of politicians who steal, lie, and oppress the people with impunity? They’re doing my job better than me, and they don’t even have to pay me royalties.”
Satan said he was considering filing a lawsuit against TikTok and the Kenyan government for unfair competition and violation of his intellectual property rights, but admitted that he had little hope of winning in a court system that was also under their influence. He also complained that the government was not only corrupting the souls of the people, but also tormenting them with unbearable hardships and suffering. “They have made life so miserable for the Kenyans that they have no need for me to punish them in hell,” he said, pointing out the high levels of poverty, unemployment, inflation, crime, and disease that plagued the country. “They have taken away the people’s basic rights, freedoms, and dignity, and left them with nothing but despair and hopelessness. They have made my job obsolete, and I can’t stand it.”
Satan said he was planning to relocate his operations to another country where he could still find some demand for his services, but he was not sure where to go. He said he had heard that some countries in Europe and Asia were still relatively uncorrupted by TikTok and the government, but he was worried that they might soon follow the same path as Kenya. He said he was also considering moving to some remote island or jungle where he could find some primitive tribes who had not yet been exposed to the modern evils of the world, but he was not sure if he would enjoy working with such simple and innocent people. He said he was open to any suggestions from his loyal followers and fans, but he was not optimistic that he would find a suitable place to continue his work.
“I guess I’ll just have to accept the fact that I’m a dinosaur in this new age of digital and political corruption,” he said, sighing. “Maybe I should just retire and let TikTok and the Kenyan government take over. They seem to be doing a fine job without me.”
