U.S. Says Kenya’s Cobalt Deposits Not Sufficient to Warrant Intervention

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration over the lack of a viable pretext for military action, U.S. officials confirmed Monday that they were disappointed by the recent discovery of cobalt deposits in Kenya, saying it was not enough to warrant sending democracy to the African nation.

“We were hoping to find something more substantial, like uranium or oil, that would give us a clear reason to invade and liberate the Kenyan people from their oppressive regime,” said a Pentagon spokesperson, who added that the estimated 500 tons of cobalt, a metal used in batteries and alloys, was “barely worth the trouble” of deploying troops, drones, and covert operatives to the region. “Sure, cobalt is nice, but those volumes are not exactly a game-changer. We need something more compelling, something that would make the American public support our humanitarian intervention and ignore the likely collateral damage.”

The spokesperson went on to say that the U.S. was still looking for other potential sources of conflict in Kenya, such as ethnic tensions, human rights violations, or terrorist threats, that could be exploited to justify a full-scale invasion.

“We’re not giving up on Kenya just yet,” the spokesperson said. “We’re confident that we’ll find something that will make us want to bring freedom and democracy to their land. The people of Kenya deserve a special attention from the United States, and we are looking forward to working with the many potential collaborators in the country.”

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