Politics

Kalonzo Finally Relinquishes his Melon Tendencies to join Jubilee

Kalonzo Muskoka has finally come out of his melon shell to join President Kenyatta’s Jubilee coalition, but without formally denouncing the NASA pact.

The decision leaves the indecisive soft-spoken political skimmer at an elevated position likely to benefit from either side of the political divide. While affirming this, Kalonzo quoted Chinua Achebe’s Arrow of God that “politics is a masked dancing, if you can’t see it well from where you are, keep shifting position until you get a better view.”

Any Jubilee Job

In his usual characteristic laughter, Kalonzo gladly welcomed any position that would ensure he remains on the payroll after his mission in Juba ended.

Kalonzo will now be Uhuru’s errand boy for the next two years after he requested the president not to worry about finding a job that befits his status. It places Kalonzo and his Bomet Counterpart Isac Ruto in a better position to share the national cake in any position that will be available.

Unverified sources from Statehouse has confirmed that with William Ruto now successfully kept away from the affairs of the State, Uhuru needs the experience of Kalonzo Musyika, a career loyal deputy president to President Moi, President Kibaki, and the people’s President Raila Odinga. David Murathe, the Jubilee national Vice Chairperson, welcomed the two leaders while adorning full Jubilee colors, in a ceremony witnessed by Raphael Tuju, the Jubilee Secretary-General. He assured them that Jubilee is not a home breaker, but individual destroyers.

2022

Like William Ruto, the head of the State will use and dump them before 2022 to allow them time to focus on their parties in the homestretch to the general election. The man from Mwingi and his friend from Chepalungu, while penning this historical pact, were overheard whispering to each other that the government is like a proverbial cow that should fit everyone. Therefore, it was prudent for them to hold onto the tail while seeking the juicy meat at the belly.