Governance

Police ask Kenyans Caught up in Curfew to Teleport Themselves Home

Police have asked Kenyans who miss the 7 pm curfew deadline to teleport themselves to wherever they want to be, instead of playing games with police officers.

In a stern warning to Kenyans, Police Spokesperson warned that if 7 pm finds you out of your house, they will assist you to get home as fast as possible, using an assorted range of people management tools such as batons, tear gas and dead bullets. He argued that Kenyans should not give excuses such a work, ferries, sickness, matatus, pregnancy or even homelessness, urging even the homeless to find homes as soon as possible.

“We don’t care how you get home. You can ride a broom, copy and paste yourself home, teleport yourself or simply dissolve into the air and condense back to human form tomorrow at 5 am,” said one policeman with a blood-stained baton. “If the virus does not kill, we will.”

The government also asked Kenyans to ensure that they live less than 42 km from their offices and leave office by 5 pm, so that they can be home latest at 7 pm. “Eliud Kipchoge showed us that we can do 42 km in under two hours. If you can’t find a matatu to get you home, just run. No human is limited! Those who need to use the ferry can also swim because sharks do not operate before 6:30 pm.”

Kenyans are now need some divine intervention in order to survive the curfew. Many now have to choose how they will die, either from the police or from the virus, with majority going with the virus.

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