International

Trump Seeks Museveni’s Help on Election Strategy

Faced with an impossible election, President Donald Trump has been looking for help from people who are good at winning elections. While such expertise is scarce, it is easy to come across in Africa and that is where Donald Trump has turned to. His first stop was Uganda, where he seems to have learnt all that he needs to know about winning elections.

President Yoheri Kaguta Museveni is not your ordinary president. The fact that a very stable genius like Trump would turn to him tells it all. For those who may not know Museveni or Uganda, it is a major banana producing country in East Africa and its democratically elected president has been in power for about 35 years.

The Genius of Museveni

Trump admits that he has learnt a lot from Museveni, although most of the lessons are confidential. But in general, there is one major lesson from Museveni that Trump wants the old democracies to know: Never trust the outcome of an important election to voters!

"One thing President Museveni told me is that I should not entrust the outcome of an important election to voters." Trump Click To Tweet

Pause there. If you think that Museveni’s advice means that Trump should rig the election, you are racist. You think Africa is all about rigging elections?

Museveni’s advice is the little secret of democracy that every average African and above average American knows. Democracy is about taking care of the welfare of the majority, even though the majority may not be aware about what is good for them.

This calls for creativity without breaking the law. It is about bending the law as much as the law itself allows, since the law is an ass and it you know asses (also known as donkeys – bring back your mind here), can be motivated. The law can bend a little to accommodate more laws – like the law of taking care of the majority.

How to Win an election the African Way

Sitting African presidents don’t lose elections. That’s the rule. That is why Obama had to win. This why Trump needs some help?

How do they do it? Remember every thing has to be under the confines of bended law. No foul play.

There are several strategies that Trump can use.

  1. Delay the elections.
    This is complicated because one has to find a genuine reason that makes sense to most people. You could cite disease outbreaks, witchcraft, strengthening the electoral system or even classified reasons.
  2. Make your opponent’s supporters not to show up
    This could include anything from poisoning your opponent’s supporters just the day before the elections so that they will have diarrhea and thus unable to vote, to having mean looking people with guns to man the polling stations.
  3. Accuse your opponent of attempting to rig
    This always works, so that even if they win, people will know that they rigged and you can go ahead and call for fresh elections where you will be more prepared. Trump will also need to start naming the accomplices like TikTok who will aid the rigging.
  4. Change the constitution
    The constitution is made for the people, not the other way round. Trump can simply change the constitution and have the president running for one term of 8 years. Perfectly legal and cheap.
  5. Rig in another candidate
    If Trump cannot beat the Democrats, he can make another candidate to considerably weaken the Democrats, then rig them in. No one will see it coming.

Come November, America will have a taste of African Democracy. With love.