Newly appointed leader of the White House Faith Office, Paula Michelle White-Cain, commenced her duties as America’s foremost exorcist by declaring an all-out war on small and medium-sized demons (SMDs).
Addressing the press from her White House office, White proclaimed, “This war on SMDs is officially underway! No demon, medium or small, will stand in our path while I hold this office.”
“These diminutive fiends,” she thundered, “have tormented the American people for far too long. Americans are not succumbing to missiles; they’re falling prey to insidious viruses and the petty anxieties of daily life. Mortgages weigh heavily on their souls, distracting them from their true purpose: settling intergalactic debts. When did we, the United States of America, become a nation preoccupied with such trivialities? This ends now!”
Justifying her exorbitant salary, Paula White argued that her approach aligns perfectly with the nation’s core principles. “America,” she declared, “is a nation of grand ambitions. We must eliminate any suggestion of small-mindedness.”
While some may question her focus on these seemingly minor adversaries, it’s crucial to remember that SMDs are notoriously resilient.
Inquired about her strategy for confronting larger demons, Paula White revealed a cunning plan. “We’ll consolidate those behemoths into two distinct categories – a classic American approach! – and then unleash the power of the free market. The forces of capitalism, embodied by DOGE and, of course, our mighty military, will inevitably drive the big demons back to the abyss. Some of these larger entities may require more drastic measures – a few hellfire missiles and a substantial funding cut should do the trick.”
