The Government of Kenya has announced the capture of a dreaded weapon of mouth destruction terrorist Gabriel Oguda following a secret national security operation.
Terrorists from the anti-terror wing of the Kenya police swarmed into Gabriel Oguda’s home early Tuesday morning brandishing dictionaries and dangling participles in the hope that the terrorist would not cast a spell on them. “We had been watching him for long but with so much at stake, he had reached the pun of no return.”
Oguda was captured while armed with several terror weapons, including a razor-sharp wit honed to perfection through years of linguistic mischief. “He has made our very own Dr. William Ruto look like auctor Ruto seeking to auction Kenya to the highest bidder. We had to bend the law to abduct him at night since like the witches we are, we hoped his mouth would not work at 3 am.”
One of the terrorist police officers present during the kidnapping narrated the dangerous process that nearly cost him his life. I thought I was safe by not carrying any form of identification and wearing a balaclava helmet, but then he hit me with a double entendre. It was brutal. His last words were ‘I have made arrangements with men I trust that…’ but we could not let him finish the statement.”
Kindiki said that world peace is now assured since the biggest global threat is now muted. “We are asking for the United Nations to be disbanded because world peace is now assured. We are no longer under threat from full-blown linguistic assaults. Ruto has done his part in restoring world peace.”
Gabriel Oguda is the criminal responsible for the depletion of Kenya’s strategic guava reserve. His experience with linguistic origami has seen him fold words into unexpected shapes and tools, using them for mass destruction.”
