Economics Education

How to Convert your HELB Loan into a Grant

Comrades have been asking, and we are obliged to answer. At a time when existing loans are being turned into grants, how can you turn your HELB loan into a grant?

Until the other day, this was almost impossible. However, the Building Bridges Initiative has changed the story. You can now turn your HELB loan into a grant and it will no longer haunt you for all your life, as it does to many.

Why a grant? Everybody loves grants, that is if you are not the one giving them. Grants are the lifeline of the many Non-Governmental Organization whose work is to manage the problems facing third world countries. Our government has even begged China to convert the many loans that Kenya owes China into a grant. It is what your siblings ask for when they request for a ‘small’ loan. Grants are good.

Here are several ways that you can use to convert your HELB loan into a grant.

Never Get Employed

After several years working hard to get that degree under the sponsorship of HELB, it is highly likely that you will not get a job, just like most people. This is one way to keep HELB away.

If you are not employed, and you will no be employed, there is nothing HELB can do to recover heir money. They can’t milk a bull. Just ensure that you are jobless and the problem will go away on its own.

In the unfortunate event that one of your uncles who serves as the senior most family ‘connection’ gets you a job, just turn it down. No need to be paid peanuts when you have to pay HELB in shillings. Respectfully say no and your HELB loan will remain a grant until the end of the world or the second coming of Jesus.

Don’t let HELB Know that you are Employed

Even if you are an MCA or CIA operative, your job should remain a secret at best and worst a mystery. Do not let HELB know that you are employed.

Whenever you visit their website, they will ask if you are employed. You should ignore that message and you should not even read it. As long as you are secretly employed, just like the thousands of graduates who are thriving in the informal sector, just keep your mouth and mouse shut.

Luckily, HELB is too lazy to follow up and they would rather spend their time denying students loans.

Get Paid in Exposure

One way to let HELB know that you are serious about converting your HELB loan to a grant is to circumvent the financial institutions. There is no better way than to be paid in exposure. You could actually walk to their office and tell them that you are working and are ready to negotiate a loan repayment plan. You will then go ahead to ask them to dictate the number of exposures you should be paying them every month.

The good thing about this is that many organizations today pay young people in form of exposure. This should be an easy one.

Work for PostaMate Media

If you are among the 20 lucky people who work for PostaMate, you have no reason to worry about HELB. You could actually let HELB know that you are an assistant Propaganda Officer and they will not bother you. They are afraid of propaganda and the best way for them is to ignore anyone who may destroy their non existent name. Besides, the CEO at PostaMate pays everyone in Bitcoin, so HELB may not have a case against you.

About

PostaMate is a satirical publication by PostaMate Media. Read more HERE