In a bold move to save the planet, a coalition of environmental activists has called for the complete abolition of farming, citing its “unacceptable” use of water and “problematic” impact on the Earth. The group, known as “H2-No More,” rallied outside a local Whole Foods, chanting, “No more farms, no more harm!” while holding signs that read, “Cows Drink, Earth Sinks.” Their solution? A revolutionary diet of rocks, which they claim is “100% sustainable” and “requires zero irrigation.”
Spokesperson River Moonbeam, clad in a hemp onesie and sipping from a reusable straw made of recycled dreams, explained the group’s stance. “Farming is the ultimate eco-crime. It uses water—WATER!—to grow food, when we all know water belongs to the fish and the vibes of the universe,” Moonbeam said, pausing to adjust their biodegradable flower crown. “We’re proposing a new way forward: eating rocks. They’re abundant, they don’t need water, and they’re gluten-free. Plus, think of the Instagram aesthetic—#RockDiet is going viral as we speak.”
3-D Printed Food
The activists pointed to agriculture’s heavy water usage, noting that crops like almonds and rice are “thirstier than a TikTok influencer at Coachella.” They also blamed cows for “stealing” water to drink and “ruining the planet” with their methane emissions. “Cows are basically walking climate disasters,” said another activist, Skyler Cloudwalker, who admitted they hadn’t eaten a vegetable in years because “plants have feelings too.” When asked how society would survive without food, Cloudwalker shrugged. “We’ll figure it out. Maybe we can 3D-print vibes or something.”
Local farmers were quick to respond with a mix of confusion and laughter. “So, let me get this straight,” said John Miller, a third-generation farmer who grows avocados in California. “They want us to stop growing food… to save water… so people can eat rocks? I mean, I’ve heard of farm-to-table, but this is more like quarry-to-stomach.” Miller added that his farm uses sustainable irrigation practices, but the activists weren’t interested in hearing about “Big Farmer propaganda.”
Nutritional Rocks
Nutritionists also weighed in, gently pointing out that rocks might not provide the necessary nutrients for human survival. “Rocks are primarily composed of minerals like quartz or feldspar, which, while great for geology enthusiasts, aren’t exactly digestible,” said Dr. Linda Carter, a dietitian. “Humans need protein, carbs, and fats—none of which you’ll find in a pebble, unless it’s been marinated in ranch dressing, which I don’t recommend.” H2-No More dismissed the critique as “rockist” and accused Dr. Carter of being “in bed with Big Kale.”
The movement has already gained traction online, with influencers posting tutorials on “How to Season Your Granite” and “Top 10 Boulders for Brunch.” One viral video showed a woman blending a smoothie with gravel, oat milk, and a pinch of Himalayan pink salt—“for flavor.” Comments ranged from “This cured my hunger forever!” to “My teeth are gone, but I feel so eco-conscious!”
Meanwhile, grocery stores are bracing for impact. A spokesperson for Whole Foods said they’re considering a “Rock Aisle” to appease the activists, featuring artisanal stones at $12.99 a pound. “We’re calling it ‘Paleo 2.0,’” the spokesperson said. “It’s what our customers want—sustainability with a side of crunch.”
As the debate rages on, H2-No More has vowed to escalate their protests by occupying local farms and replacing tractors with “meditation circles.” Moonbeam remains optimistic. “The future is rock-based, and we’re just the pioneers. One day, you’ll all thank us—probably while chewing on a nice piece of limestone.” Until then, farmers are holding their ground, and the cows, blissfully unaware, continue to drink their water.
