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The Curse of Having More than Two Avocados

Having more than two avocados in the house is like dancing with the devil. It is cool, but there is a price. Here we take you through the full journey that you should expect should you have more than two.

Day n

You just stored your avocados in a safe environment where they are not too accessible and not too far to the extent that you can forget them. You know how painful it is to remember your ripe avocados just after you have eaten ugali and greens and even topped it up with a glass of water?

Day n+1

It is just a day since avocados. The best you do is simply look at the direction of the avocados and smile at your bright future. One day they will be ripe. You fantasize about how green and creamy they will be, and how they will have a very small seed. All dreams are valid at this stage.

Day n+2

You need to check the avocados so that you can create a mental timeline of when they will start ripening. After applying gentle pressure on all the 23 avocados, you realize that they are harder than they were when you stored them. You do your best to act normal and here you can loudly say ‘give them time.’

Day n+3

As the civilized person you are, you try cooking food that does not go well with avocados. You give an excuse that this is all about change of diet but deep within your heart…

Day n+4

All of a sudden, you are very impatient because your avocados are not behaving in a reasonable way. Why are they not cooperating? Do they think that they are flowers which should try to stay fresh for as long as possible?

Day n+6

This is no longer a laughing matter. The avocados are not behaving. Inwardly, you threaten to ignore them for two weeks. This stage is called denial.

Day n+7

You have forgotten about avocados. There is more to life than avocados.

Day n+8

Panic attack! It has been two years since you checked on the avocados. You are afraid that they might all be rotten. You check on them and they are OK. In fact, a few of them are ripe on one side. You motivate one to be ripe by pressing on it too hard and hoping that it is ripe only that it has a hard skin. Unfortunately, you realize that it is not ready to eat when you cut it. You realize that you cannot force avocados to ripen with lies and disinformation…the limits of populism are being laid bare.

Day n+9

The day has finally come. There are three ripe avocados and others are showing signs of ripening. The Lord has done it for you!

Day n+10

There are many ripe avocados and two are already overripe. You decide to focus on the two that are past the due date just to salvage the situation.

Day n+11

All avocados ripened overnight, and a few are at an advanced stage. You have to make the decision whether to ignore the ones that are about to rot and eat the one that is just perfectly ripe, or do just as you did yesterday. You decide to eat the ones on the verge of rotting so as not to lose them. This is a hostage situation.

Day n+12

All avocados are dangerously ripe and a few are clearly beyond redemption. You start thinking of generational curses and everything that is holding back your breakthrough. You want to imagine your aunt from the village has a hand in this but you also know that you have not been consistent with your prayers.

You think of carrying the avocados to the office tomorrow but you know they will not make it. You want to give them to your neighbors but you are not sure of what they will think of you. You pick one avocado to eat but clearly you do not enjoy any bit of it.

Day n+13

You wake up to the smell of a sewerage exhauster working in the neighborhood. Wrong, it is your house that is filled with the stench of rotten avocados.

Garbage collection is still two days away. You start asking about life purpose and other philosophical questions.

postamate is a satirical publication

We create satire to keep people entertained, and thinking.