Kigali, Rwanda – In a move hailed as a diplomatic checkmate by absolutely no one with a functioning brain, Rwandan President Paul Kagame has offered to withdraw his totally-not-there troops from the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC)—but only if the international community agrees to a little condition: admitting that Rwanda doesn’t have troops in the DRC in the first place.
“I’m a reasonable man,” Kagame declared at a press conference, flanked by a suspiciously well-fed M23 rebel delegation. “If the UN, EU, and those pesky Americans will just sign a little affidavit saying, ‘Nope, no Rwandan boots here,’ I’ll happily pull out the troops I don’t have.
The DRC’s President Felix Tshisekedi, currently barricaded in Kinshasa with a megaphone and a stack of mineral export receipts, was less amused. “This is like me saying I’ll stop eating fufu if you agree I’ve never tasted it,” he shouted over the border. “Everyone’s seen the Rwandan uniforms! They’re not even subtle—they’ve got ‘Kagame Krew’ embroidered on the back!”
The international reaction has been predictably spineless. The UN Security Council convened an emergency session, only to spend three hours debating whether “troops” includes “volunteers with suspiciously good training” before adjourning for coffee. Germany, still smarting from its failed “sanctions sugar” sprinkle on Rwanda last month, mumbled something about “reassessing aid” while quietly booking a trade delegation to Kigali. The UK, ever the innovator, proposed sending Rwanda a shipment of asylum seekers to “guard the border they’re not crossing.”
M23 Support
Meanwhile, the M23 rebels—who definitely aren’t a Rwandan proxy—issued a supportive statement from their new headquarters in Bukavu’s fanciest looted villa. “We applaud President Kagame’s bold vision,” said commander Sultani Makenga, polishing a cobalt-encrusted AK-47. “If the world agrees Rwanda’s not here, we’ll stop not-being-here too. It’s simple logic
Analysts say Kagame’s gambit is peak absurdity, even for a conflict already drowning in it. “It’s Schrödinger’s army,” quipped geopolitical satirist Dr. Chuckles Mwamba. “The troops are both there and not there until the UN opens the box—and they’re too scared to peek.” Sources close to Kagame hint he’s already drafting a follow-up: demanding the DRC apologize for “imagining” his troops, plus a $50 billion mineral reparations package “for emotional distress.”
As eastern DRC burns and the international community perfects its collective shrug, Kagame’s offer hangs in the air like a bad punchline. Will the world play along with his troop-less troop withdrawal? Or will they call his bluff and risk finding out just how many rabbits he can pull from that hat? One thing’s clear: in this game of geopolitical charades, the only winners are the ones selling popcorn—and maybe the guy with the mineral cart.
