President William Ruto has opened up about his harrowing childhood, marred by the absence of that golden, flaky delight: the chapati. Speaking at the inaugural National Chapati Appreciation Symposium (NCAS) held at the Kenyatta International Convention Centre, the President bared his soul, leaving attendees in a state of dough-induced disbelief. “I remember those dark days,” […]
Kigali, Rwanda – In a move hailed as a diplomatic checkmate by absolutely no one with a functioning brain, Rwandan President Paul Kagame has offered to withdraw his totally-not-there troops from the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC)—but only if the international community agrees to a little condition: admitting that Rwanda doesn’t have troops in the […]
ADDIS ABABA, ETHIOPIA — In a shocking turn of events that surprised absolutely no one, Raila Odinga, Kenya’s perennial political phoenix, was once again ousted from a high-stakes election, this time for the Chairperson of the African Union Commission. Odinga, who has more experience with election disputes than most countries have constitutions, immediately cried foul […]
Newly appointed leader of the White House Faith Office, Paula Michelle White-Cain, commenced her duties as America’s foremost exorcist by declaring an all-out war on small and medium-sized demons (SMDs). Addressing the press from her White House office, White proclaimed, “This war on SMDs is officially underway! No demon, medium or small, will stand in […]
Washington, D.C. – In a shocking twist that’s more dramatic than a soap opera, President Donald Trump has decided to yank the rug from under the CIA by withdrawing funding from USAID, leaving thousands of covert operatives around the globe without their handy NGO disguise. For decades, USAID has been the perfect cover for CIA […]
The African Union (AU) has come out to strongly condemn the decision by President Donald Trump to halt all forms of aid to African countries, terming the move draconian and outrightly stupid. In a statement that was issued from the Chinese-funded AU headquarters in Addis Ababa, AU heads of state warned that Donald Trump was […]
President William has vehemently denied any involvement in the abduction of John Wick’s puppy. This follows social media reports linking him to the puppy’s disappearance, which Ruto strongly refuted. In a hastily convened press conference, Ruto denied any connection to the incident and issued a stern warning to those implicating him: they will face abduction […]
A local Christian couldn’t keep quiet after proudly reporting 100% consistency in reading the Bible daily in 2025. The 22-year-old disciplined and mature Christian noted that his plan to read the entire Bible in one year was already a success, having consistently devoured scripture for the first three days of January, registering a perfect success […]
The Government of Kenya has proposed reforms to the appointment process of Catholic Bishops, citing national security concerns as the reason for their involvement. In a letter addressed to Pope Francis, the Kenyan Government expressed worries that some current Bishops do not meet the standards outlined in Chapter Six of the constitution. They emphasized the […]
Expecting foolish Americans to attempt to migrate to Canada after Donald Trump won the election, Canada has moved with speed to build a 5-meter-tall wall along its 8000 km border with the US to stop the looming influx of dejected Americans. The move followed a realization that it was the end of the road for […]
