Politics

“Even if Uhuru Kenyatta Makes it to Heaven, He will not See God,” – CoA

The Court of Appeal of Kenya has ruled that the country’ ruling president, Uhuru Kenyatta, is slowly and surely marching towards eternal damnation, and even if that changes in future, he can will only experience limited features in heaven, in the highly unlikely event that he makes it there.

Reading the judgment that kept Kenyans glued to their seats the for the better part of Friday, the Court of Appeal Judges noted that President Kenyatta has broken all possible laws of the country, of nature, and of science, and he was busy trying to change laws and make new ones so that he can break them. This is the reason why his position in heaven was highly unlikely, and if he manages it to get there, he will have limited user experience.

“He has broken all possible laws, arm-twisted the constitution, impersonated Wanjiku, bribed elected officials, used public money to fund his expensive BBI hobby, and extorted support from the opposition. He has majored in doing everything null and void, while he could have chosen to end corruption. What hope is there for such a man?”

The court also warned that even if Uhuru Kenyatta escalates his confession to the Pope, it still won’t work. “He would be better off sitting down here and trying to be a good person. His chances are very limited.”

Efforts to get a response from the President were unsuccessful. At the time of going to the press, State House Spokesperson said that Uhuru Kenyatta was taking a break from his mistakes to engage in accelerated introspection, before resuming to repeat the same mistakes as if nothing had happened.

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