Washington, D.C. – In a shocking twist that’s more dramatic than a soap opera, President Donald Trump has decided to yank the rug from under the CIA by withdrawing funding from USAID, leaving thousands of covert operatives around the globe without their handy NGO disguise.
For decades, USAID has been the perfect cover for CIA agents. Need to spy on a local government? Just bring some seeds and talk about agricultural development. Want to infiltrate a foreign military? Here’s a pamphlet on water purification. But now, with USAID funding cut, these agents are stuck, literally and figuratively, with nothing but their spy gear and a bunch of confused locals wondering why the “agricultural experts” are suddenly so interested in the national security office.
“Honestly, I thought I was here to teach people how to grow potatoes,” confessed one agent, now sipping a latte in a Lagos café, his cover blown. “But now I’m just a guy with a fake mustache and a questionable CV.”
In Cape Town, agents were seen hastily burning their USAID business cards, while in Nairobi, a group of operatives were last spotted trying to convince anyone who would listen that they were now just “very passionate tourists.”
Back in Washington, CIA Director Gina Haspel was reportedly seen throwing darts at a dartboard with Trump’s face on it, muttering something about “alternative covers” and “maybe we should just start a coffee shop chain.”
Meanwhile, Trump, in his infinite wisdom, tweeted, “Who needs spies when you’ve got Twitter?
As for the agents, they’re adapting. One enterprising spy in Nairobi has already set up shop as a “consultant for sustainable living,” while another in Addis Ababa is now the proud owner of “Espionage Espresso,” proving once again that when life gives you lemons, or in this case, no USAID, you make… well, you make do.
