ADDIS ABABA, ETHIOPIA — In a shocking turn of events that surprised absolutely no one, Raila Odinga, Kenya’s perennial political phoenix, was once again ousted from a high-stakes election, this time for the Chairperson of the African Union Commission.
Odinga, who has more experience with election disputes than most countries have constitutions, immediately cried foul after the results were announced in Addis Ababa. “This is not just a defeat; it’s a masterclass in rigging,” said Odinga, his voice echoing through the halls of the AU headquarters. “I know rigging when I see it, and this reeks of it.”
His team claims the election was decided in a secret server room, where the votes mysteriously ‘recalculated’ themselves in favor of Odinga’s opponent. “We thought we were secure, but it turns out the servers were more compromised than a politician’s promises during election time,” one of his lobbyists lamented.
Sources close to Raila Odinga hint at the involvement of a shadowy group known as the “Election Rigging Veterans” (ERV), who allegedly have decades of experience in ensuring their candidates win, no matter the vote count. “These guys are like the Illuminati of election rigging. If they don’t want you to win, you won’t,” said one source, whose identity could not be verified because, let’s face it, who would want to admit knowing about this?
Violent Peaceful Protests
Raila, never one to take defeat lying down, has promised to take his grievances to the streets of Addis Ababa. “If they can rig it here, they can rig it anywhere,” he declared, rallying his supporters for mass action. “We’re going to show Addis what Kenyan-style peaceful protests look like!”
Local authorities in Addis Ababa are reportedly in panic mode, trying to figure out if this means the city will see an influx of Kenyan protesters or if Odinga just plans to march with his usual crew of loyal supporters.
Meanwhile, social media is buzzing with memes about Odinga’s election adventures, with hashtags like #RailaRiggedAgain and #AUServersForSale trending across Africa. One popular meme shows Odinga with a checklist titled “Elections I’ve Lost,” with a new checkbox marked “AU Chairperson.”
As Addis Ababa braces for potential protests, the rest of the continent watches with popcorn in hand, wondering if this will be the start of a new saga in the long, storied history of Raila Odinga’s electoral battles.
In the meantime, the AU has issued a statement asking everyone to remain calm, assuring that their servers are now “100% secure,” which in election terms might mean they’ve just upgraded from “easily hackable” to “slightly less hackable.”
Stay tuned for more updates as this story continues to unfold, or perhaps, unravel.
