Governance

“Offshore Account is a Hedge Against State Collapse” – Uhuru

President Uhuru Kenyatta, also known as client 13173, has admitted that the small amount of money he stashed in an offshore account was to help his family survive just in case Kenya went the Somalia or South Sudan way.

After calling for an audit of all the offshore accounts, Kenyatta said that every Kenyan needs some contingency measures in case things don’t go as planned.

“Everyone plans for the unforeseen. If civil war broke out in Kenya, would you expect me to go and start life as a refugee? I would need to run away with some dignity, and the $30 million guarantees that dignity. You do not expect my grandchildren to go and start school at Mokgoma Matlala Secondary School in Limpopo. They will still attend King Edward’s School in Birmingham, and this costs some money.”

Offshore Plans

Uhuru said that having a secret account is a common practice in the planet, citing cases of spouses who are known to have secret accounts and property.

“Life is about planning for the inevitable. Most Kenyans have a secret property or even bank accounts that they hide from their immediate family, and list their grandmother as next of kin. It is the same thing, only that instead of a plot in Kamulu, I have this account in the British Virgin Island. It also in honor of the shared heritage between Kenya and UK.”

Uhuru urged Kenyans to follow suit and use an offshore bank. “Even the poor can start by buying a power bank and storing it in Mauritius. It will still count as an offshore bank. You have to start somewhere.”

Following the president’s confession, the number of Kenyans seeking to open offshore accounts has skyrocketed. Drug dealers, pirate sympathizers and top government officials are hoping that they can avoid the paper trail by opening a trust in the Panama, while those who work for their money continue to bank locally.

Other Kenyans with offshore accounts include Gideon Moi and residents of Migingo.

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