Politics

Alternative Presidential Jamhuri Day 2021 Speech

Fellow Kenyans.

We are gathered here today to celebrate our 58 years of existence. As usual, I would want to start by honoring our founding thieves, without whom I would not be here today, and you too would be doing better than you are currently.

I also want to thank those who came after the founding thieves. Founding thieves are important, but of what use would they be if latter thieves do not step in to continue with the good work that the founding thieves started? We take this time to honor them.

Be Steal

The story of our nation is one of great resilience. I say this because even with the wanton greed that has been displayed in the last 58 years, Wanjiku has continued to work very hard to ensure there is more to steal and some leftovers to eat. 

We are a country of thieves, and I do not expect anyone to point fingers at me. Fellow Kenyans you know I am not the greatest thief in this country. Neither is any of you sitted here today. We have learnt to eat with moderation, but a few of our colleagues have not. I call upon them this day to exercise moderation because we need to eat after today. We cannot afford to milk the coffers dry as if there is no tomorrow.

In the last 58 years, this country has perfected the art of stealing to the point that we have moved our stealing to the future. Through our people at the treasury, we have found that if we borrow money and steal, we have effectively transferred the theft to the future, for our children will have to work harder to pay for what we stole. Do not be worried about this, for it is the children of the current poor who will pay for this theft advance. If you are rich, your children can move to Barbados and live happily thereafter.

58 Years of Guesswork

Fellow Kenyans.

Our nation is stronger than it was in 1962. I say this because the nation did not exist then, so we are definitely better. Our population has grown, providing the much needed votes that help sustain any democracy. This is a great thing, because when we steal votes and rig elections, there are always numbers to support the votes. It would have been hard to attain this in the fifties.

Our country has made huge leaps in the past 58 years. Our brothers and sisters in Turkana are still suffering from drought and famine, but at least they have mobile phones and they can post pictures and videos on TikTok. This gives the world an opportunity to witness famine, something that our development partners like to see. Previously, our brothers and sisters were dying of hunger without the world seeing. Now the world can see.

Our health sector has made huge leaps. Health is all about illusion, and we have built many facilities even though they have no staff. Where there are staff, there are no equipment. Where there is no equipment, there are no drugs. This ensures that our health sector remains on its toes. We now have many trained medical professionals who can be called upon when need arises. Most of them are jobless, and the few who have jobs understand how lucky they are. This way, they will never complain and will happily work harder and consequently, save you from being taxed too much.

Education

Our education sector has grown in leaps and bounds. We have ensured that every school has about 65% of the teachers that it needs, an incentive that helps keep teachers on their toes. It also gives parents an opportunity to employ thousands of graduate teachers who are jobless. What would happen to the jobless teachers if the government did not leave some room for them in the school? Would they not starve to death?

We have now introduced a Competence Based Curriculum which will ensure that both children and the parents keep on learning. This is a good step for our country because it will help raise the schooling age from 8.06 years to 6.08 years in the next 50 years.

International Debt

I know that some of you are worried about the national debt. My administration has put up robust measures that will ensure that Kenya is out of debt in 120 years. This will depend on the goodwill of the thieves who will come after me.

In terms of infrastructure, we have the SGR which is yet to figure out how to make money. The second phase of the railway terminates somewhere in Naivasha, in the middle of nowhere. At least the owners of adjacent lands have something to smile about.

The Nairobi Expressway is also coming up well, and it will provide nice shelters for the homeless who will live under the road. Those of you who have homes can also rest under its shade during your lunch break in the city. The Association of Muggers, Pickpockets and Thugs (AMPiT) will also do booming business under the expressway.

Ladies and gentlemen. I could go on and on about how this great nation is lucky to have me and other like minded people. I know my time as your leader is almost coming to an end, but do not be alarmed. Today, I am happy to say that I have mentored some people who will continue with the good work that I am doing even after I retire. Make sure you cooperate.

And now as we come to a close, I urge you all to spend the rest of the day thinking about the words of wisdom that I have said today. This should keep you busy until the next scandal surfaces. Luckily, it won’t be long. 

God bless Kenya.

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