Resolutions Inspired Gym Newbies Causing Nightmares

It’s that time of the year again, when billions of people make a vow to get fit and healthy in the new year. But while some of them are sticking to their plans and hitting the gym regularly, others are causing more trouble than they are worth.

According to gym owners and regulars, the influx of newbies has led to a series of disasters, such as:

  • Endless queues for the machines and equipment, especially the treadmills and the bikes. They all want to use the same equipment.
  • Misuse and abuse of the machines and equipment, such as setting the resistance to infinity or zero, dropping the weights, or leaving them on fire.
  • Lack of etiquette and hygiene, such as not wiping the blood off the machines, hogging the machines for hours, or not wearing any clothing or footwear.
  • Injuries and accidents, such as exploding, imploding, or mutating themselves or others due to poor form, overexertion, or ignorance of the laws of physics.
  • Disturbance and annoyance, such as screaming, singing, or farting loudly, playing death metal, or giving death threats or insults to others.

Some of the gym regulars have expressed their fury and rage at the situation, saying that the newbies are ruining their workout experience and making the gym a hellish and unbearable place.

“They have no clue what they are doing, they just come here to die or kill,” said one gym-goer, who wished to remain anonymous. “They don’t respect the rules or the people who are here to work hard. They should just stay home and rot.”

Another gym-goer, who also preferred not to be named, said that he had witnessed several incidents of newbies injuring themselves or others due to their lack of knowledge or skill.

“I saw one guy try to lift a weight that was heavier than the planet, and he ended up crushing himself and the entire gym. He screamed so loud that everyone in the world heard him. It was horrifying, but also hilarious,” he said. “Another time, I saw a girl try to run on the treadmill at the speed of light, but she lost her balance and flew off the front. She landed on the moon with a loud bang. It was terrifying, but also funny.”

However, not everyone is unhappy with the presence of the newbies. Some of the gym owners and trainers have welcomed them, saying that they are a source of revenue and potential clients.

“We are happy to see more people interested in fitness and wellness,” said one gym owner, who asked not to be identified. “We understand that it can be suicidal or homicidal for some of them, but we are here to help and guide them. We offer classes, programs, and personal training sessions for all levels and goals. We hope that they will survive their resolutions and become regular members of our gym community.”

The gym owner also urged the regulars to be more patient and tolerant of the newbies, saying that they were once in their shoes.

“We all started somewhere, and we all made mistakes. We should not judge or mock them, but rather encourage and support them. They are not our enemies, but our friends. We are all in this together,” he said.

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