Governance

Inside Agriculture CS Munya’s Grand Plan to Exterminate Locusts

We earlier covered a delicate story on how desert locusts have managed to capture Kenya’s Ministry of Agriculture.

Postamate can now authoritatively reveal the master plan which Agriculture CS Peter Munya plans to put forth, in a bid to try and recapture his waning authority in the face of adversity, and to decisively deal with the desert locust menace.

Munya, having understood too well that the same locusts are the reason why his predecessor, Mwangi Kiunjuri, is a jobless man, is keen to ensure that a similar fate does not strike him. The Ministry of Agriculture under his leadership has been the center of ridicule, as unpatriotic Kenyans have enjoyed poling holes into any press release from the key ministry.

We at Postamate have been working round the clock, to keep you abreast in this crucial matter of huge national concern. In some exclusive documents within C.S Peter Munya’s desk, as seen by our reporter, C.S Munya has two ‘Joker Cards’ under the table, and it is only a matter of wait-and-see when he is rolling them out.

The two grand action items are;

  1. Build a wall the Trump-Mexico style
  2. Rope Kenyans into a deliberate move to starve the locusts.

Here are the plans as explained in details.

Building a Wall

CS Peter Munya reckons that the desert locusts flew into Kenya from the North and it is obvious they were from Ethiopia. I’m sure you’re wondering what a wall has to do with this.

So yeah, just like Mexicans in the United States, locusts are illegal immigrants, having arrived in their billions and now wrecking even more havoc than Mexican lords.

In a study conducted by the Ministry of Agriculture and the Kenya Civil Aviation Authority, it has been established that locusts have a limit on the attitude they are capable of flying. This attitude is 50 metres from the ground level. Get the drift? This is exactly how CS Munya is going to deal with the thorny issue of illegal desert locust movement into Kenya. A 50 meter high wall built along the Kenya-Ethiopia border is a sure way to keep the little brats from our land and airspace.

This particular tender is yet to be floated, but a few interested parties are understood to be lobbying for it. Genius!

Starving the Locusts

Everyone knows that the reason that the locusts chose to come over is because there’s plenty within our borders – refer to the National Anthem. Those dodgy insects are known to eat around the clock, and starving them to death is a sure way to eliminate them.

According to this plan, Kenyans are to desist from all crop agriculture, denying the locusts all sources of food. This requires several months to pull, but is a sure bet! It may also involve spraying of all natural vegetation, trees, cash and food crops, to dry them up and deny the locusts any sources of food.

Details in the plan indicate that the Ministry has already floated tenders for procuring several planes and herbicides to be used in the massive exercise. The details estimate that it will take just 2 weeks for the exercise to wipe out all green matter from the face of Kenya. A further 2 weeks will mark the end of the locusts as they are all going to starve to death!

That, dear Kenyans, is how we shall rid this blessed land of desert locusts, and keep them from ever making flight here.